Mimi+Nerd=Goofy Good Time!

Any excuse Mariah can take to prance around in deep-cleavage tops and hip-hugging denim, she'll take it. Not that I'm complaining – especially after the uber-silly-but-totally-Mimi "Touch My Body" (remember how she battled her black-haired alter-ego Bianca in "Heartbreaker"?) And her tight, never-looked-better body is pretty bangin' (for hetero guys!) even as she pushes 40. In the Brett Ratner-directed video, a Geek Squad-like nerd (Jack McBrayer of "30 Rock") makes a stop at Mariah's ginormous palace, and, of course, M.C. answers the door in her black panty-bra set. He pretends to be cool, tries hitting a Mimi high-note (and comes off sounding like a strangled dog yelping for help), and lip-syncs to the song's dirty lyrics. And then we're supposed to think she's gonna, as she coos, wrap her thighs around this supersize-glasses-donning dork's waist, but by the end – well, you'll just to watch below. 

New Mariah: Sexy or Sucky?

Finally! On Mariah Carey's first new slinky single, "Touch My Body," since 2005's "Emancipation of Mimi" she coos, "I know that you've been waiting for me ..."Hell yeah, we have! Tortured fans endured several delays, pushing back this ultra-catchy sexified single, where the popstress wants to keep a hook-up on the DL – the flirty "Touch My Body" (listen here!) is sure to heat up radio. Even if the classic-Carey beat's been done. And there's no inflated runs. And no dolphin squeals. The jam teases Mariah's April 15 release: "E=MC²." Anyone betting Albert Einstein is rolling over in his grave?

Check out Between The Lines (www.pridesource.com) next week for a full review of "Touch My Body" and Janet Jackson's latest, "Rock With U." See which sexy-sound vixen comes out on top. Pun intended. 

I'm Obsessed

Since discovering Missy Higgins' "Where I Stood" nearly a week ago (apparently it's been used on "Grey's Anatomy"), I've listened to it over 150 times. I've also shed about 150 tears. Why? 'Cause this piano gem from her February release "On A Clear Night" (look for a review in BTL soon) is sadder than the "Desperate Housewives" hiatus. OK, really, it's a whole lot sadder than that in part to Missy's defeated vocal delivery, and the uber-catchy chorus: "'Cause she will love you more than I could, she who dares to stand where I stood." Listen. Then tell me, do you feel my pain? Or am I the biggest baby ever? 

Bedroom Beats

You know what sucks? Doin’ it to the same ol’ sex songs (“Sexual Healing”! “Justify My Love”!). Need a less-archaic foreplay-to-finish compilation to spice up the crib with that longtime lover or “friend” – or the person you’re about to find online? The following totally gay pop list was tested for sexiness, longevity and versatility. Just not herpes – so keep a rubber close by.

“Feel Like Makin’ Love,” Mary J. Blige 

Think of MJB as your evening’s Soulful Sex Host. With this slinky slow-jam, the No-Shit-Taking Troubadour sets the heavy-petting mood: Set me free. Pull me closer. Go slow. Turn off the light. Stay the night. Someone did her research!

“Kiss Me,” Melissa Etheridge

When the raspy rock-star shouts “Come out and play!” on this come-hither jam, you better know that she’s referring to doing the dirty – not playing Trivial Pursuit. Otherwise, just stop now. Seriously.

“Shut Up and Drive,” Rihanna

Laced with driving double-entendres (“Can you handle the curves?”), this sexy-seasoned synth rocker will surely rev up the homo-horny-factor as she insists, “Step into my ride.” Odds are, you’re probably already there.

“So Lonely,” Twista with Mariah Carey

You can almost feel the steam from this smooth, smoldering hip-hop jam about riding the “horsy,” going all night and trying to keep it down so the neighbors don’t hear. If you’re anything like M.C., who pants like a tired pooch in between Twista’s dirty rhymes, then you’re screwed.

“Ooh Ooh Baby,” Britney Spears 

Think of B.S. as a gas tank. On this saucy cut from “Blackout,” the newly-reborn Brit likes to be filled up –with love! Just don’t make the mistake of thinking this is about her making those neglected babies. ’Cause it’s not. Really.

“Oh My God,” Pink with Peaches

“Let me feel you, baby,” Pink coos. And you will! During woman-on-woman fornication-fest (where Peaches claims Pink’s vers), the two flirt with lesbianism as the pop-punk rocker asks the rapper to throw her on the table – and then, you know, pretend she’s Thanksgiving dinner.

“Would You Mind” Janet Jackson

Ms. Jackson punctuates this slinky, X-rated musical moan-a-thon by saying, “The song ended. I didn’t even get to come. Did you?” After 10 songs, let’s sure as hell hope you responded with a, “Ooh yeah. Twice.”

For more "Bedroom Beats" visit www.pridesource.com on Thursday. Now your turn. Tell me what song revs your horny-factor? And what's the last tune you screwed to?

I've Been MIA From Work. Doing ...

...this...

...that...

...and him...

Oh, and briefly stepping in to cover for Christ!

Now I'm back. And ready to celebrate soap star/joke Brenda Dickson's birthday (I know, I know. I'm a li'l late. So hopefully eating Cracklin' Oat Bran with sliced banana will make her happy) and attend the Creating Change conference. Detroit, here come the gays.