Michael Stipe: Gay? No way!

Even if we already knew that R.E.M.'s top dog Michael Stipe favored the ol' twigs and berries, this hilarious heterosexual-outing of his band mates is totally worth his recent "I'm gay" declaration. Apparently he chose to come out now out because of the children – ya know, to help a new generation of gays. I have a hunch, though – and it's just a hunch – that this has less to do with the kiddies, and more to do about a new album. Called Accelerate! Which drops April 1!

Hot, Hot, Hot!

In case you couldn't figure out who the naked long-haired woman covered by an over-sized feather boa was, the big, block letters extending across the bottom of Mariah Carey's upcoming (destined-to-be mammoth) album should stop your mind from working overtime. This is absolutely Mimi's hottest cover. Agree? You better.

Mimi's Hot Stems and New Song!

Are Mariah's stems smokin' or are my eyes getting worse? And how about this second song from her April 15 release? It's just as hot, if you ask me! Watch her (successfully!) perform "Touch My Body" and destined-hit "Migrate" live (on "Saturday Night Live") – and check out her killer physique. (Note: Unfortunately, the YouTube videos were taken down by NBC ... so, for now, you'll just have to gawk at her body.)

Maybe-Gay Guy Goes!

When former pole-rider David Hernandez told umpteen viewers tuning into "American Idol" tonight, "You'll see me on top,"  it was hard not to chuckle, and imagine him riding some hunk. I must admit: This. Was. Unfair. Not that I think David, with his beefy arms and Crest-White-Strip smile, was better than the other 11 Idols (Brooke White stole my heart – and a few tears – while showing off her piano prowess on "Let It Be" last night). But Carrie Underwood-wannabe Kristy Lee Cook should've been packing her bags, taking her laughable, honky-tonk version of "Eight Days a Week," back to the farm. Where – no doubt – she would've fit in with those that sound just like her: The cows. 

Who else is upset that David H. won't be (pardon the pun) topping "Idol"?

Can't. Contain. Myself.

That's flippin' right: Cyndi Lauper and Co. (including co-headliner the B-52s!) will bring the re-launched True Colors Tour, which will raise voting awareness and funds for LGBT advocacy groups, to Michigan on June 11 at DTE Energy. Rosie O' Donnell, the Indigo Girls (how lesbian of them!), Regina Spektor and Joan Jett are all part of the line-up, with some stops including spots from Tegan & Sara, Wanda Sykes (I always knew!) and The Cliks. Fab Fiver Carson Kressley will host what will absolutely be one of the gayest concerts since Cher's first, second and third Detroit farewell shows. Everyone woo-hoo with me! And then go throw on some funky '80s dress, dye your hair red and dance around to "Girls Just Wanna Have Fun" (see video below!) – cause, come summer, we will be! 

Madonna Saves The World – And Gays Everywhere

Madonna's saving the world in four minutes with her new Justin Timberlake-paired single – and, in even less time, saving gay fans from a two-and-a-half-year no-Madge drought. Thanks be to the Gay God for delivering new Janet and Mary J. albums, and a tongue-in-cheek dirty cut from Mariah, in the meantime. "4 Minutes to Save the World," the (leaked) bouncy first single from Madonna's 11th studio album, "Hard Candy" (the follow-up to 2005's "Confessions on a Dance Floor"), is a colorful, psychedelic romp featuring J.T., whom she plays sonic ping-pong with, trading verses about an impending apocalypse. Yeah – don't be fooled by the beat, which boasts marching-band horns and cracklin' drums, and could've smoothly bled into the dance grooves on Timberlake's "FutureSex/LoveSounds." Madonna's final words are, simply, "tick tock tick tock tick tock" – and there's no doubt ya'll will be tick-tocking until you can ear-swallow "Hard Candy" on April 29 (just two weeks after the follow-up to Mimi's mammoth comeback release – yikes!).

What do you think of Madonna's "4 Minutes to Save the World"? Will "Hard Candy" taste sweeter than Mariah's "E=MC²? Tell me!